I wanna kill myself but somewhere inside I don't wanna do it?

I am a 18 yr old guy. I am not dat gud lukin thou. I have completed my 12th boards. But god knows how much I suffered to do that too. As I said I am not that gud lukin. I was never loved at my home though. I always kept. I had developed xenophobia ( fear of unknown people ) cus of my emotional distance from the rest of the family. I have a sister, she is good. My parents never trusted me. As if they didnt wanted to do. They only liked my sis cus she said the truth to them whenever she commited any mistake. But they dont know dat I dont tell them anythng cus from the very begginin they never trusted the truth I said. I was deprived of true love, caring and affection. I had no friends at that age (almost in my 6th grade). I just developed a reserveness. I was never able to gather the confidence to talk to anybody on my own. This continued till some 9th grade. I had a transfer at another school. Then there I saw a gal whom I thought I had saw in my previous skul, thou she was nvr been der. I felt a great attraction. Her attitude was different. But I still couldn't talk. I kept waitin until the board exams of 10th, when in the exam hall she herself called out my name and asked wassup. Tryin to show that she was nervous she asked me to help her out in the exam. I could not stop controllin my smile, my happiness for havin talked to her. She was PR******. I felt so much happy. I had nvr introduced myself to her. So I askd how she knew my name. She said that everybdy knew my name in the class for my brilliance. Then only I realized how famous I was in the class. I didnt knew her name but knew that she was a genious in SST. So pretty convinced that she wont need my help I told her that I wud help. The next year she was in Science with me and we kept talkin for the whole lot day cus there used to be no teacher who came to class for the first month. Then she had to leave cus his father found her marks in board unsatisfactory (evn thou it was 84 %) and put her into junior college wadia. Then only felt her tru absence. I felt hopeless. I felt messed up. I grew sad. I tried to find out her no. I used to write my diary. Then suddenly a few gals found it the desk wen I was not der and they read it. Then they only said that they have read my diary & asked me if I loved her that much. I answered yes. I had drawn hearts in it with my own blood. I had marked P on my left hand with razor blade. Den 1day I found her no from one gal. I then calld her and pretended the purpose to be an invitation for attendin the teachers day celebrations. She couldnt come. My mom found me talkin to her. She didnt hear any conversation but with the only impression that she was a gal she was angry. Then she found the mark on my hand. She scolded me a lot. Told that I was a fool and many more ridiculous stuff. Still with the hope that they will understand I told my mom her nam. She pretended to be cool. but frm den on she nvr let me go out of hom without askin my hundreds of questions. I was fed up. Then one day I found out the reason. On overhearing their conversation I came to know that they thought I was goin to her house. I left all hope of convincing them. Cut my hands markin enormous no of long stripes. By this time I had started makin friends. I had got good friends evn some gals. I considered most of them to my sis. Still my mom kept spyin on me & wen she found that I'm talkin to gals she started scoldin me. I couldnt bear their blames. I never had a girlfriend and could had one either, but still I was always accused of havin one. To avoid the internal pain I started cuttin my hands. It worked like drugs. But soon I needed mor of it for forgettin the pain. Then some of my friends found out this and advised to talk to my parents. I tried but cudn't. This continued till 12th. She started blackmailin me that she will send all my friends to jail on a false case, if I didnt stop meetin the gal. Infact I haven't met her since she left the school. I nvr proposed her thou. I was very upset. Then one day however I was abl to talk to them. She pretended to understand. I cudn't mak out the difference. I was so happy. Then wen I came to knew they havent changed theirs views about me, I was broken. I was scattered. This happened a few months ago. I somehow gave my boards and passed. But al these years I was not abl to concentrate. I havent done that gud in my entrances. I have lost the hope of selectin into any. I have decided that I dont get into any I wud just simply die. Thats the only clear decision I made till now. I want to get far from my parents and the only way being a college which I cud get into. So I found another way. Suicide... I will kill myself... I will leave everybody in a few months time. But somewhere I want someone to stop me. I feel guilty upon the thought that maybe I'm doin dis for some godamn attention. But soon I'm convinced upon the thought that its all real.... I wanna die soon... Thats an easier wa